


Deep Breath

by Minew



Series: I Was Going To Die Slowly [2]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Mental Disorder, Minor Character Death, PTSD, Sexual Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-05
Updated: 2017-03-05
Packaged: 2018-09-28 09:01:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10082972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Minew/pseuds/Minew
Summary: He’s 14 again, 14 and young - and he should be curious about girls and love but he’s not because there is no such thing as love.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Again, please note that this piece is centered on PTSD and contains sexual abuse of minors, minor character death and can be triggering.

“Hello, I’ll be in 4th grade. I’m Cho Hyeyoon. I’m always kissed every day. The person who kisses me is my dad.” Jongin flinches. He cannot stop the Hello Counselor recording and walk out of here though, so he sits still, fingers clutching the pillow in his lap a little tighter than before. “When I eat; ‘Hyeyoon eats so well, 30 kisses’ smooch, smooch, smooch. He kisses me over 200 times a day.” He takes a deep breath and gets eye contact with the camera and sends it a cute smile. He’s in public. He’s Kai. Kai isn’t scared of kisses and fathers.  “People point and talk, but he keeps kissing me.” Jongin feels his stomach tighten and he looks at the floor, finger now tracing circles on the red fabric of his pillow. He can’t get affected. 

Chanu finishes reading the concern and asks them, asks him if he knows how the young girl feels and Jongin startles a little and shakes his head. Thankfully Sehun jumps in and saves him. Jongin doesn’t want to remember, he doesn’t want to relive but memories sneak their way inside his mind and he shuts down. He doesn’t really listen to the girl as she talks about her father, he only sees Jieun and his father and he feels the hand down his back, soothing yet only fear-inducing and he closes his eyes shortly, trying to shake off the feeling. Go away, go away, go away. 

When they call for the father and Jongin gets eye contact with him his mind works in mysterious ways and shows him the spitting image of his own father. The man Jongin hates more than anything in the world and the man Jongin is more afraid of than anyone else. People laugh and talk and the variety show continues on and on but Jongin only hears them vaguely, managing to laugh along by pure instinct. He’s done too many public appearances to be affected by this but he is. Jongin takes a deep breath, bites his lower lip slightly and tries so hard to shake the images off. The booty-patting, the lingering hands that said so much more than words ever did, the touch, the warmth that became cold, the dread inside of him - the fear. It’s almost too much for him to handle when they show the video of how many times Hyeyoon’s father kisses her on the way to the broadcasting station, but the only thing Jongin sees is Jieun and the only thing he feels are the wet smooches on his cheeks. 

“Are you alright?” someone whispers beside him and the hand they place on Jongin’s thigh is enough to startle him. He swallows and nods and look up, smiling, the chaos inside hidden behind the facade he puts up way too often. He doesn’t say anything though. Everybody else talks and chatters but Jongin stays silent. It isn’t until end of the concern that he has to speak and even his voice sounds strange when he says ‘It’s definitely a concern’ and presses the button. 

He’s more than thankful when the PD tells them to take a break after the concern is finished. Jongin needs to get out. He rushes down the stairs and through a backdoor and another backdoor before he finally finds fresh air and takes a deep breath. Calm down, he tells himself. He needs to be professional about this. Reliving nightmares is not a part of his job description and this has got to stop. Five minutes later he’s finally calmed down but he avoids the girl and her father for the rest of the recording, not even sparing them a glance, the thoughts still ready to lurch forward and envelop him in a never-ending nightmare. 

Jieun wasn’t supposed to die. Jongin wasn’t supposed to see it happen. He was only supposed to feel the hands and the pain. He was only supposed to hear the ragged breath, the curse words and the threats. ‘If you tell them, I’ll kill you’. And he didn’t. He didn’t say a word. He never said anything when he saw him with Jieun or Soojin, he never said anything when the hands were roaming his body, he never said anything when he was forced on his knees. Never. But Jieun wasn’t supposed to die. Jongin slams his hand into the wall closest to him and startles a couple of staff members that all look at him questioningly. It’s not fair. Nothing is fair, nothing is good. Jongin was a good boy and see where it got him. It got him nowhere! Jieun died! He rushes through the broadcasting station and into the van. The other two members who had joined him on Hello Counselor says nothing and neither does the manager. Jongin wishes they did but he’s left to silence, left to the mercy of his memories and he doesn’t appreciate it at all.

 

Jongin has a nightmare that night. The sweat is dripping off of his forehead and he’s tossing and turning. There’s no blood, just Jieun and her dead, cold body. And him. He’s there. He strides towards Jongin, caresses his cheek and smiles his wicked smile. ‘Jongin, dear’ he says and Jongin shivers. He wants to scream. He wants to tell them all that he did it, he killed Jieun, naked, beautiful Jieun with blue marks on her neck and pale skin. ‘Finish what Jieun couldn’t,’ he says and Jongin shakes like a leaf as he sinks to his knees. There’s no questions asked, just do what you’re told. So Jongin does. He’s done it before, countless of times. He doesn’t remember a time where he wasn’t on his knees, licking the flesh that now feels so horribly big in his hands.

He’s 14 again, 14 and young - and he should be curious about girls and love but he’s not because there is no such thing as love. Love is his dick and the way it swells in Jongin’s hands, love is the way he moans and tugs harshly on Jongin’s hair, love is the way Jongin chokes and feels like dying every time the dick is thrusted through his lips and down his throat. Love is the way he smiles when he spills on Jongin’s face and licks his white semen off of tan skin and kisses his cheek and smacks his ass with promises of tonight and tomorrow. Jongin wakes up in a mess of wet sheets and he feels dizzy, his heart beating rapidly and his throat constricting.

It’s 3 AM and Jongin hurries into the kitchen. He isn’t going back to sleep again. 

 

They’re off until 5 PM so Jongin decides to visit Jieun again. It’s raining but Jongin doesn’t care. She’s the only family member he ever visits. Sure, his mother tried contacting him but his mother is still with him and Jongin refuses to meet him. And Soojin just doesn’t understand. Jongin isn’t sure how Soojin survived, how she deals or how she lives but she doesn’t understand and Jongin doesn’t want to talk to any of them and be reminded of what once was. Because what once was, was horrifying and terrible. He sits in the grass in front of the gravestone, Kim Jieun engraved in beautiful cursive writing. The stone was red when they bought it 8 years ago. The color has faded now. 

Jongin is drenched to the bone, clothes completely soaked, but he stays in place in front of his sister. Nobody knows he’s here. Hell, only a few people know that Jieun is buried underground and none of them know why. Taemin thinks it’s a tragic traffic accident. Kyungsoo thinks it’s cancer and Kyungsoo only knows she’s dead because he snooped around in Jongin’s private business. Jongin sighs. His body feels numb but numb is better than frantic heartbeats and memories. He closes his eyes and sees 19-year-old Jieun in front of him. She’s beautiful. No longer naked, her lips aren’t their pale blue and she’s smiling. Jongin doesn’t understand why he returns to her grave but it’s as if it’s the only right thing to do. He knows Soojin and his mother come as well. He doesn’t know about him but Jongin isn’t going to think about it. 

When he returns to the dorm, there are people in the kitchen and the living room but Jongin ignores them as he continues into the bathroom. He doesn’t look at himself as he showers, his body is tainted by invisible marks and the memories are enough to have him sobbing in the shower, his tears mixing with the water. Whenever he closes his eyes he sees him, the evil dark eyes and the cruel smile. The feeling of hands touching him has him scratching at his body, red nail marks removing the dirty feeling that creeps up his spine. When Jongin exits the shower, he isn’t much cleaner than he was before. 

 

He’s dancing in front of the mirror in the big dance studio. It’s 2.45 AM and he’s been dancing for hours. His body is exhausted but his mind is going full-force. He’s been focusing his energy into his choreographies but right now it’s not enough. He’s not good enough. He sighs before he suddenly screams, tugging on his hair in frustration. His body isn’t doing what he wants it to and it’s frustrating, it's infuriating and Jongin throws his phone into the mirror, cracking both mirror and phone screen. 

“Fuck!” he shouts and stares at himself in the mirror. He should have died instead of Jieun. It was his fault. His fault. He should have been better at sucking dick, he should have offered himself. He knew, dammit, he knew what happened in the house. Jongin takes shallow breaths in front of the mirror. His body isn’t working anymore. There’s fire in his veins and he can’t control it. Jongin doesn’t know what is worse, knowing that he could have prevented Jieun’s death or not being able to dance. He’s tired of the world, he’s tired of being Kai, he’s tired of expectations and he’s tired of life. There are so many things that could be so different but here he is, standing in a dance studio, looking at his reflection in a cracked mirror and wondering why he didn’t do anything. 

 

They’re busy with schedules for the next week and Jongin almost forgets the memories. It’s not that he lives, Jongin hasn’t really lived since he was 14. But he’s not haunted by memories and nightmares so he gets by. He talks to the members, he almost, almost falls into a normal routine. Yixing asks him if he wants to go practice the dance routine but Jongin declines. He doesn’t feel like dancing. It’s unusual but the other members write it off as fatigue. Taemin can’t get Jongin to dance either. 

He doesn’t really find any joy in dancing anymore. He remembers the cracked mirror and the anger and he knows his body won’t be able to do as he want it to. It can’t anymore. There’s nothing he can do. Taemin writes it off as grief because it’s almost the day Jieun died. It isn’t grief though, Jongin knows it isn’t. He’s grieving every day, blaming himself for what happened and he knows it doesn’t change depending on the day. It’s just not fun dancing anymore. He loved watching him dance. His father watched him every time he danced ballet, undressed him with his eyes. Jongin knows. He shudders before he turns his attention back to the fan in front of him. 

They’re having a fansign and the girl smiles shyly at him. Jongin returns her smile and signs her album before he looks up. Instead of getting eye contact with the girl in front of him, he gets eye contact with a man in the far back end and freezes up. The girl follows his line of sight and waves to the man who sends a small wave back. Jongin takes another deep breath, his hands feel cold but she’s rushed off and another girl steps in front of him. When she hands him his album he’s startled and he smiles a strained smile at her and asks her name. 

Shin Jieun, she says and Jongin writes with a shaking hand, his signature ugly and wobbly. Knowing that there’s someone there, looking at him, judging him, and knowing that there are Jieun’s who get to live their lives like they should bring the memories back full force and ten minutes later he gets up from his chair and storms off the stage they’re on. The members all look after him and so do the security staff but Jongin doesn’t care.

He hurries off, runs through corridors and slams the doors until his heart is beating frantically. Save him, save her. Save her, save him. He’ll do anything, anything. Stop it, stop it. He prays but the man in front of him only turns around when the girl is lifeless in his hands. ‘Jongin’ he says and Jongin screams. No, no, no, no, no. Not now, not now. He staggers, clings to the wall as he guides himself forward, further, further. He needs to get out, he’s caught, he saw him, he’ll be here. They know, everybody knows so he’ll die, he’ll kill him, Jongin is going to die.

“I won’t say anything, I promise, I promise, I promise,” he murmurs. It takes less than 5 minutes before he’s somewhat calm and sitting in front of the fans again. He’s fine. He sends a smile their way and grabs the microphone. 

“I’m okay, don’t worry about me. Kai is the happiest when EXO-L is happy.”

He sends them a dazzling smile and tries to be as calm as possible. He knows he isn’t fooling anyone but it’s okay because they’ll never ask. Jongin is going to keep his secrets for himself. The fansign ends without further accidents and when EXO is on their way home he skillfully avoids all questions. Nothing is wrong, he’s okay, it doesn’t matter. Even when Kyungsoo asks him if it’s Jieun he sends him a smile, shakes his head and says ‘of course I miss her, but no, I just … I don’t really know what happened, I’m okay, don’t worry.’

When he lies in bed, his mind is attacked by memories once again, the fateful night replaying over and over until he drowns in sounds nobody can hear and touches that no one can see. Jongin doesn’t get a lot of sleep that night.

 

Jongin doesn’t like the world. It’s a cruel place and he doesn’t belong here. He’s not good enough, he’s not strong enough to be here. The world hates him and Jongin hates the world. He wants to go. Not just fly somewhere else, no longer just hiding. Jongin wants to be free of the memories. He continues down the street, rounds a corner and stands in front of Mapo Bridge. The next step brings him onto the bridge and he continues. There are cars on the road despite the late hours but Seoul never sleeps so Jongin wasn’t expecting it to be completely quiet. He pulls his hoodie over his head and hides even more in the sweatshirt before he reaches the middle of the bridge.

“How have you been? Have you eaten? If you need to talk why don’t you talk to us?” he reads off of the bridge and shudders. He doesn’t need to talk to anybody, he just needs to get away. He can’t live forever with nightmares and touches he shouldn’t have felt. He shouldn’t have been forced on his knees to suck a dick, he shouldn’t have been forced on all fours, he shouldn’t have seen his sister’s murderer. Because that’s what he is. A murderer. And Jongin is an accomplice because he should have prevented it, should have offered himself more than he did. Now there’s only one thing to do.

He steps closer to the railing and looks towards the river beneath. The water is dark, a few lights reflected on the surface but otherwise darkness. Darkness like the one he comes from, like what he’s running away from. Maybe Jieun was lucky to have died when he should have been dead instead. 

It’s Jongin’s turn now. Jongin’s turn to die.

 

He doesn’t die, though, because the moment he steps onto the railing, a car stops and someone hurries to drag him off and onto the bridge again. Jongin should have felt mad, should have been raging with anger and madness like the insane person he is, but he doesn’t. He simply just crumbles together and sobs.

Two hours later he’s sitting in front of a psychiatrist and a psychologist. They want to know what drove him to attempt suicide in the middle of the night and they’re not letting him go before he tells them. He knows that the manager is aware and he feels guilty and stupid for even trying. Of course, he can’t die, he’s not worthy of death. He’ll have to suffer for years before he’s granted permission to leave life, before he lets go. 

“Jongin,” the psychiatrist says with a small warning and Jongin swallows the lump in his throat. 

“He …”

Jongin can’t tell them. He’ll kill him if he does. 

“He?” the psychologist prompts and tries to get Jongin to speak but Jongin shuts up. And then the door opens and he enters. Well, logically speaking he’s probably not him, but he looks like him and Jongin flinches and crumbles together on the seat, knees drawn towards his chest as he folds himself to be as small as possible.

“Don’t kill me, please,” he whispers. The other three people in the room turn to look at him. “I didn’t tell anyone, please don’t kill me.”

He comes closer and Jongin tries to hide as much is possible in his chair.

“Who am I?” he asks. He’s right in front of Jongin and Jongin hides his face in his knees. He must not look at the other, the other will force him to do something Jongin doesn't want to do. “Who am I?” he asks again and Jongin rocks in his chair, just a little gentle sway, almost like a child being comforted by their parent. The tone of the voice isn’t intimidating but Jongin hears the threat underneath. It’s there, he’s going to die just like Jieun did.

“Daddy…” he whispers. The tears are flowing down his cheeks but instead of the hands that should choke him, touch him, caress him the man draws away and talks to the other two people in the room. Jongin is swallowed by memories, not hearing or seeing anything in the room.

He’s back at home, lying in his bed, playing on his gameboy. He’s playing Pokémon, the new game mommy bought him two days ago. He’s already pretty good if he must say so himself. Then the door opens. Jongin doesn’t turn his head, he’s in a battle and this one opponent is really good so he needs all his focus. Then the mattress dips and the hand smoothes down over Jongin’s back. Jongin doesn’t give it much thought as he focuses on his game. It’s daddy, the big hand comfortable on his small back. It isn’t until the rough hand sneaks under his t-shirt that Jongin reacts. 

They look at each other when he turns his head and daddy smiles at him. Daddy talks about his day at work, asks about Jongin’s day at school, he even takes interest in Jongin’s Pokémon game and Jongin returns to his game, ignoring daddy’s hand that runs up and down his back under his t-shirt. When daddy cups Jongin’s asscheek Jongin turns his attention back on the older man. ‘It’ll feel good’ he says and Jongin frowns but it’s just his ass. Most parents touches their kids’ asses right? So Jongin doesn’t mind it. It goes on like this until the front door opens and mommy asks for help with the grocery bags. 

It continues like this. The first time daddy touches Jongin’s dick Jongin is about to fall asleep. ‘It’ll feel good’. The first time Jongin touches daddy’s dick they’re home alone and daddy moans so loud it almost scares Jongin.

Jongin touches daddy whenever daddy tells him to and lets daddy shower Jongin with kisses because he’s a good boy and good boys do what they’re told. The first time Jongin sucks daddy’s dick it’s more daddy that forces his dick through Jongin’s lips. Jongin still doesn’t say anything but he hears Jieun cry the night before as if something horrible has happened to her. Jongin is too afraid to ask.

The first time, he realizes daddy touches Jieun too he hides under his blanket and is not allowed dinner because he’s a bad boy. The first time daddy forces a finger inside of Jongin, Jongin cries in the shower. He doesn’t sleep at all that night. Daddy is rough but Jongin is a good boy so Jongin doesn’t say anything.

And the night that Jongin exits his bedroom and sees daddy hunched over Jieun on the floor in the living room he knows something is wrong. Jieun is naked and daddy isn’t wearing any pants. He holds his breath as he watches her fight die down and when daddy turns around and looks at Jongin, he sees the purple color of her lips and her closed eyelids.

“Jongin,” someone says and rescues him from the memories and the nightmares. He’s brought back to reality by a hand on his shoulder and he forcefully punches into air, trying to get the hand off of him.

“Get off of me!” he shouts into the small room. There’s a nurse there as well now. She holds a syringe with something. “I’m not insane!” Jongin fights against the hand on his shoulder, claws through clothes to remove the touch, his touch. “I’m not…”

The fight dies down with a choked sob and Jongin cries. For the first time in 8 years, he really cries. He cries because of him, because of her, because of the memories and the nightmares, because of the guilt and the disturbing thoughts. He cries because the world is just too cruel. The last thing he hears before he drowns in his tears is ‘schedule with the psychotherapist and contact his guardian. I think we might need to hospitalize him.’


End file.
